Types Of Sex

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

A Doctor, A Husband, A Wife & Wife's Friend

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Ever Wonder???

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

Blonde, $5K & Mercedez Benz SL 500..

SMART BLONDE JOKE

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks andNeeds to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally... a smart blonde joke.

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......

* You met him in prison.

* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

* He tells you that he's never told a lie.

* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

* A prison guard is shaving your head.

Pregnancy Jokes

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?

A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?

A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?

A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?

A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?

A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?

A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?

A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?

A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A. When the kids are in college.

Casino Dealers & Naked Blonde...

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Salesman, Aspirin & Condom...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says,

"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Suck Or Die!!

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!"

"Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do.

"Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison."

"Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man.

"Yes, you must do that or he'll die."

He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?"

"You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."

Side Effect of Testosterone

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

hahahaha...

Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"

10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"

9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"

8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"

7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"

6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"

5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"

4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"

3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"

2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"

1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"

Top Ten Signs You Won't Win "American Idol"...

From the Late Show with David Letterman

10. You dedicate "I Will Always Love You" to Saddam Hussein

9. Backstage, people say, "Are you still here?"

8. North Korea says if you lose they'll stop producing enriched uranium

7. Your mother says, "You're okay, but I'm really a big fan of Ruben"

6. You were recently named the three of clubs on the "Most Wanted Iraqi" playing cards

5. You've already appeared on another reality show -- "Cops"

4. Vegas gives you the same odds of winning it all as the Mets

3. You cancel your performance to stay home and watch "Jag"

2. Simon beats you with the microphone stand

1. Your voice is muffled by the SARS mask

Teka-Teki 18SX (Pembaca Bawah Umur Sila Dapatkan Kebenaran Org Dewasa)

Seorang guru, Cikgu Murni (Umur: 22) menghadapi masalah dengan salah seorang muridnya (Abu).

Lalu guru ini bertanya kepada murid tersebut : “Apa sebenarnya masalah awak, Abu?”

Lalu Abu menjawab, “Saya terlalu cerdik untuk berada di darjah 4,kakak saya menduduki UPSR dan saya lebih cerdik dari dia, maka saya seharusnya berada di tempat yang sama juga!”.

Cikgu Murni dah tak tertahan. Dia bawa Abu ke pejabat pengetua. Sementara Abu menunggu di ruang tamu, Cikgu Murni terangkan keadaan tersebut kepada pengetua. Pengetua mengatakan yang dia akan berikan ujian kepada Abu dan jika Abu gagal menjawab, maka Abu harus kekal di darjah 3 dan berkelakuan baik. Abu dibawa masuk ke pejabat Pengetua dan Cikgu Murni terangkan pada Abu dan Abu bersetuju untuk ambil ujian yang akan diberikan.

Pengetua: Apa 3 x 3?

Abu: 9

Pengetua: Apa 6 x 6?

Abu: 36

Pengetua terus bertanyakan soalan2 berdasarkan tahap pencapaian murid2 UPSR dan si Abu mampu menjawab tiap soalan yang diberikan. Lalu pengetua memandang Cikgu Murni dan berkata,

“Saya rasa murid ini sepatutnya berada di darjah 6″,

Lalu Cikgu Murni berkata pada pengetua, “Saya ada soalan saya sendiri, boleh tak saya ajukan pada Abu?”.

Pengetua dan Abu bersetuju.

Cikgu Murni: Apa yang lembu ada 4 di badan, tapi saya cuma ada dua?

Abu: (berfikir) Kaki

Cikgu Murni: Apa yang ada di dalam seluar kamu tapi tidak pada seluar saya?

Abu: Saku

Cikgu Murni: Apa yang bermula dengan huruf “K” akhir dengan “A”, ianya berbulu, berbentuk oval, nyaman dan mengandungi lapisan nipis keputihan?

Abu: Kelapa

Cikgu Murni: Apakah yang masuk keras dan berwarna “pink”, bila keluar lembik dan melekit?

Mata Pengetua terbuka luas dan sebelum sempat dia menahan, si Abu terus menjawab.

Abu: Gula-gula getah (Bubblegum)

Cikgu Murni: Apa yang mereka lakukan, lelaki secara berdiri, wanitasecara duduk dan anjing secara tiga kaki?

Mata Pengetua sekali lagi terbuka sangat2 luas dan sebelum dia sempat hendak menahan si Abu terus menjawab.

Abu: Bersalaman

Cikgu Murni: Baik, sekarang saya akan ajukan soalan berbentuk siapakah saya, okay?

Abu: Baik Cikgu

Cikgu Murni: Awak memasukkan batang kedalam saya. Awak ikat saya untuk saya berdiri. Saya kebasahan sebelum awak.

Pengetua kelihatan resah dengan soalan yang diajukan oleh Cikgu Murni.

Abu: Khemah

Cikgu Murni: Jari memasuki saya. Awak menggesel-gesel saya bila awak teringatkan saya. Lelaki idaman akan mendapat saya dahulu.

Pengetua semakin resah dan tidak selesa. Lantas terus meneguk segelas Nescafe 3in1.

Abu: Cincin perkahwinan

Cikgu Murni: Saya ada bermacam-macam saiz. Bila saya sakit saya akan meleleh. Bila saya keluar, banyak tisu yang akan digunakan. Bila awak hembuskan saya, akan berasa lega.

Sekali lagi pengetua rasa amat resah dengan soalan yang di ajukan oleh Cikgu Murni dan ingin membantah, tapi si Abu mendahuluinya.

Abu: Hidung

Cikgu Murni: Saya batang yang keras. Hujungnya tajam. Saya akan datang dan masuk dengan lajunya.

Abu: Anak panah

Cikgu Murni: Sekarang saya akan ajukan soalan dalam Bahasa Inggeris, okay?

Abu: Okay

Cikgu Murni: What word starts with a ‘F’ and end in ‘K’ that means lot of heat and excitement?

Abu: Firetruck

Cikgu Murni: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ & if you don’t get it you have to use your hand.

Abu: Fork

Cikgu Murni: What is it that all men have one of. It’s longer on some men than on others, the pope does not use his, and a man gives it to his wife after they are married?

Abu: Surname

Cikgu Murni: What part of the man has no bones but has muscles, lots of veins and loves pumping?

Abu: Heart

Pengetua menghembuskan nafas kelegaan bila mendengar jawapan yang diberikan oleh si Abu, lantas berkata “Baik hantar murid ini ke Universiti Malaya; jawapan yang saya fikirkan semuanya salah”.

Teka-Teki...(18SX + 13PG)

1) Lubang ape yang rasanye hangat, nikmat dan nyaman?

Answer: LUBANGun pagi2, tarik selimut pas tu tido balik.

2) Minyak ape yang disukai oleh lelaki?

Answer: MINYAKsikan pertandingan bolasepak Liga-M

3) Kuih ape yang bungkusnya di dalam, isinya di luar?

Answer: Kuih salah bikin. 4) Binatang ape power Karate?

Answer: Kuda belang. Cube kira brape black belt dia ade.

5) Siape yang menemukan dompet kulit?

Answer: Yang menemukan dompet kulit tersebut tolong pulangkan kepada saye.

6) Pintu ape yang walaupun dengan 10 org pun tak leh nak tolak?

Answer: Pintu yang ade tulis TARIK

7) Saya ade 3 kepala,4 tangan dan 5 kaki¡­siapakah saya?

Answer: Pembohong¡­

8) Apa dia Jauh di mata, dekat di hati?

Answer: Usus

9) binatang tubuhnya kat kepala?

Answer: Kutu

10) Nenek sape jalannya meloncat-loncat?

Answer: Neneknye si katak

11) Knape lelaki jarang kene penyakit anjing gila?

Answer: Sbb lelaki ni kan buaya

12) Ape beza sekretari baik ngan sekretari kurang baik?

Answer:

- Sekretari baik¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­Selamat pagi tuan

- Sekretari kurang baik¡­¡­¡­..Dah pagi ni tuan

13 ) Ape persamaan Michael Jordan ngan Michael Jackson?

Answer: Dua-dua tak kenal korang¡­hehe

15) Sape yang kalau dipanggil, diemenjenguk ke atas?

Answer: Tukang gali kubur

16) Nak mencari sikit punye susah, bile dah dapat buang, ape bendanya?

Answer: Tahi hidung dan Tahi telinga

17) Ape persamaan kain jemuran ngan telefon?

Answer: Dua-dua kalau dah kringgg bole diangkat¡­

18) Knape pokok kelapa kat depan rumah harus ditebang?

Answer: Mestilah kene tebang, sapen nak cabut pokok kelapa gile ape¡­

19) Gajah terbang dengan ape?

Answer: Dengan susah payah¡­

I have good news and bad news..

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

erk???